Why am I not Lovable?

Ouch! I heard these words recently. From someone I love and care about. And I’ve heard them before, from more than one person. It breaks my heart each and every freakin’ time! And it makes me mad! I’m mad that there’s something going on in our society that even leads to people putting these words together in a sentence! Honestly, many years ago, the concept of defining our entire selves as unlovable was so foreign to me that I used to think this was just an attention seeking, drama statement. Until I started paying attention. And then I got scared. I realized, some people really and truly feel this way! Oh my word, sweet child of God! If you feel this way, I’m just hugging on you right now for all your worth (and you’re worth a lot more than you think). You just hang out there, wrapped in the hug, while you continue to read this (again and again if needed).

THIS is why I do this blog and have this website! Sometimes I don’t communicate it properly, but this concept rips at my heart so hard that it riles up my Irish. Some may think I’m angry at them for feeling this way. I’ll clear that up now. No, I am not angry at you! But this statement, if you truly feel this way, is SO damaging to your self and your future. To me it’s like turning on the trauma lights and putting me into crisis management mode. There’s no room for extra flowery words. I feel as though there’s no time to talk it through each night to slowly work you around to the realization that YOU ARE LOVED.  I need you to know it, RIGHT NOW. You. Are. Loved!

First of all, if you know that you are loved by somebody, anybody, wipe this statement from your vocabulary! You may not feel loved by everyone you want to feel loved by, but this statement, as it’s stands, is an all inclusive statement. I’m not telling you to wipe it from your vocabulary because of some grammar guru reason. I’m telling you to wipe it from your vocabulary because words are powerful. They sink into us, and grow. You may feel like this for a moment, when something is emotional, but don’t let yourself SAY it. Even when you’re emotional, if you can take a slight pause and agree that at least one person in the world loves you, then don’t let this statement take any root into your inner being. You have to fight for that! Seriously! Fights are called fights because they’re hard. And we often get caught up saying words without really thinking about them first (guilty!). But words are REALLY powerful and when you’re already hurting it’s important not to make your hurt worse. A place to start is to really manage the words that you use to express your hurt.

So, you’ve practiced, and changed your statement to, “Why am I so unlovable to _______.” You know that you have special people in your life, but for some reason it’s not working out with that person you want to be the light of your life. I want to ask you, are you truly unlovable, or  did things not work out because you were incompatible? It’s really important to know the difference between these two words! Unlovable could perhaps be defined as annoying, not liking or so distasteful to the point of it interrupting the ability of the relationship to happen or continue. Incompatible could be defined, for this purpose, as a strong difference, to the point of it interrupting the ability of the relationship to happen or continue. Sometimes, there truly is a deep love, respect and affection for a person while at the same time there’s a difference in morals, values, personal goals, dreams or desires that are incompatible. Sometimes, that incompatibility is so great, that despite all the love in the world, the relationship ends up being unhealthy. It becomes a sticking point. It creates argument, unhappiness or discontent.  Perhaps an example would be helpful.

Couple A – They met at a mutual friends. One lives in the country, on a farm. They work the fields, they own livestock, they live down a gravel road. They like to go camping, fishing and quadding. One lives in the city. They work close to their home and can take public transit to work. They enjoy the concerts, museums, summer festivals and shopping that the city has to offer. They both believe in marriage. They both want two children. They both believe in following a budget. They enjoy the same music, they have mutual friends they like to get together with and they both have the same sense of humour. Based on their enjoyment of each other they begin dating. They’re physically attracted to each other. They have fun and the relationship grows. Sometimes one heads into the city for a concert, other times the other heads out to the farm for a fire and wiener roast.  The relationship reaches a point where they both love each other. So, now they love each other. What next?

Perhaps they decide to move in together. The one in the country has livestock to take care of and fields to tend. So the one from the city agrees to move out to the farm. In doing so, they now have to drive to work. They realize they don’t really enjoy driving that much. But they have to do it, 10 times a week, back and forth to work. It starts to feel like a sacrifice and the thought of winter roads is kinda terrifying. If they’re lucky, they might be able to find a similar job closer to where they’re living, but most people in the country can easily expect a 30 minute driving commute each way to work. And that only works if they didn’t absolutely love their job before, they’re actually able to find similar work and they actually enjoy their new work environment. And they’re still commuting and still not enjoying it. But you love the person. Not a deal breaker, right? Right.

May long weekend comes around. The person from the city has always loved heading out camping with their friends for May long weekend. But this year, their other half has to be in the fields getting them ready for planting. It’s a really important and busy time of year for the farmer and there’s no way they can leave the farm to go camping. Perhaps they have a fight, but it’s a small fight. No big deal, right? Every couple fights sometimes. The difference is, every year is going to be  the same. Kiss camping on May long weekend good-bye. It’s just not going to happen. That feeling of making a sacrifice for the relationship grows.

It’s fall. Time to butcher the chickens. The person from the city realizes they’re just not into that. It smells. They feel awful for the birds. They cannot imagine actually eating them. They actually have trouble understanding how the country mouse can even DO that. They don’t want to help and they don’t want to eat the chicken later. The person from the country is frustrated. They take great pride in their ability to put natural, healthy food on the table. They are humbled by the circle of life; their ability to care for this animal in life and for it to then nourish them in it’s death. The work isn’t exactly pleasant, but there’s bonding and friendship in the gathering of helping hands on butcher day. It’s part of the culture that makes them stand tall in their boots. Let’s just say this one ends up in a big fight. Every time they plan chicken for supper it’s a fight. When they talk about future children and whether they’ll participate in raising the chickens and then butchering the chickens, it’s a fight. In fact, the fight gets so big every other sacrifice gets brought up. Driving on scary roads, missed social events and the damn chickens. They don’t want to break up, they love each other, but they hate that they’re fighting over driving and social activities and chickens. They decide their love is bigger and they’re going to try living in the city. Perhaps things will be easier then, less to fight about.

The one from the country is now commuting from the city to their job in the industrial area outside of town. They cannot believe it takes them an hour to drive 25km. These city drivers are rude and dangerous! They hate the commute. It feels like a sacrifice….

The one in the city is stoked. No more animals to feed or fields to tend. They plan suppers with friends on Fridays, events on Saturdays, like the museum or a street show. Shopping in the mall on Sundays just to get out and do something. The country person finds themselves overwhelmed. People. Always people! Noise. So much, all the time, everywhere! Nosy neighbors. The neighborhood cat digging in the backyard garden. The car broken into. Again. They can’t see the northern lights anymore or the stars. The sounds are people talking, sirens and vehicles instead of birds, the wind or the cows mooing. They aren’t so fond of these new noises and miss the familiar noises of the countryside. They start to hate the museums, the shopping, the street shows. All of it. There’s just too many people. The people make them cranky and they find themselves fighting with their mate just because they’re cranky. It feels like a sacrifice….. You get where I’m going.

Now, is there anything wrong with being a city person? Of course not. Does feeling like your best self because your in the city mean you’re unlovable? No, no, of course not! Is there anything wrong with being a country person? Of course not! Those types are needed too and have value. Does it mean you’re unlovable? Of course not! But it could be easy to see that these two people might be incompatible. They truly like one another. When they’re emotionally at their best they enjoy one another. They have a ton of respect for each other. Yes, they love each other. But if the city person’s core being is taken away and they’re not who they want to be when they’re living in the country and the country person feels like their very roots have been torn out when they live in the city, they end up becoming their worst selves. None of us wants to be our worst self. We can’t be good to ourselves, good to others, good parents, good mates, good employees when we’re at our worst.

Unfortunately, we often notice major incompatibilities once we’ve already fallen in love with someone. This makes a break-up REALLY difficult. But often, when the incompatibility involves a major difference in morals, values, religion and even daily life habits, it ends up leading to a break-up at some point. It’s likely not even a break-up you want, but it ends up being what is necessary for you each to move forward in your lives in a healthy way. But remember, it’s not because you’re unlovable that you are breaking up. It’s simply a matter of incompatibility. There’s no right or wrong here. It just is (even when it doesn’t feel that simple emotionally). The biggest gift you can give the world is to match yourself with someone that is compatible with you on major areas of your life. And you need to know these areas about yourself before heading into a relationship. And yes, your choices are worth holding firm to! You will be healthier for it. Your relationship with be healthier for it. Potential future children will be healthier for it! Always remember though, love and lovability is very different from incompatibility.

You are lovable. You truly are. And that’s just the end of that.

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